911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
You Might Also Like
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell