911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
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I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
the composer
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
That was easy.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.