@BareChesty

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead

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@4ScoreN20Dabs

Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer

@sixfootcandy

Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?

Me: Absolutely!

Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?

Me: Absolutely!

@slyoung5

To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.

@pharmasean

Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.

@SondraDeeMe

You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.

@AndyAsAdjective

coworker: those are some crazy socks

me: well I guess th-

socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE

@cravin4

I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”

@Home_Halfway

ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant

@Spaziotwat

OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.