911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
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Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
I’d hang this in my house.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.