911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
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Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don鈥檛 want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn鈥檛 work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
This is hilarious….
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 馃幎 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 馃幎
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
what鈥檚 wrong, babe, you鈥檝e hardly played your juitar
I鈥檓 not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I鈥檓 not not saying it.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”