911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
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Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
I see your IQ test came back negative
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
🤣😂
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.