911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
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[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
Welcome to the stomach
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.