911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
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*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
It’s a gift
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?