911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
You Might Also Like
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
😏😏😏
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
They got a point!
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.