911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
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All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.