“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
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If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone