911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
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if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
I think we should hear other voices.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes