911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
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I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
✌️
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?