911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
You Might Also Like
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
Pigeon open mic night.
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.