“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
You Might Also Like
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.