When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
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Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call