you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast

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When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”


Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.


So your kid can speak 3 languages?

That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.


Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.

[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.


god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate

bob: karen!

god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi


*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.


The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.


I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.


Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice


[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call