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@FuckTyping

The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.

@LittleMissZesty

Conversations with my pets:

Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!

Me: Please could you
Cat: No.

@jctwritesstuff

Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*

@zipoffs

just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me

@MindyFurano

Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress

@jusnoyar

My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.

@EndhooS

“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily

@lawyerthoughts

dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.