You Might Also Like
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
that colleague who touches your screen
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!