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you telling me a banana nut in this bread
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.