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I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
This headline is a thing of beauty
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today