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Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
it was a valiant fight
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
Smallpox sounds so adorable