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Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower