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You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
SPLOOT
we all know this pain all too well
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.