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What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
*limbos away from your hug*
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”