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[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.