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SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
San Francisco has too many rules
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.