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[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*