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Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
Writing, She Murdered.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.