You Might Also Like
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
his wife is probably gonna see that
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.