You Might Also Like
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install