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While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
Google reviews are always so mixed..
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?