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Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
*me flirting
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction