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The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
Well, that should do it
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.