93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
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SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
Had to try this trend 😊
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
put ‘er there pardner!
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation