9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
You Might Also Like
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
A completely valid reaction tbh
this post was so formative to me
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked