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4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?