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I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
A dad and his duck
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*