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I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
TEETH IS INNOCENT
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
Catering service
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler