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kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
For when Tinder doesn’t work
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?