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[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
PARKOUR
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.