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My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.