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Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
Squirrels before girls.
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
☺️
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.