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My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”