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“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”