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If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!