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My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
#have a #great #PancakeDay
not seeing the problem
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
🤣🤣💀
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.