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“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
Education is vital