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I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Not now. I’m deglazing.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce