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If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
Just a reminder: 3-year-olds like to be given a choice! When you’re getting ready to go, ask them “would you like to wear sneakers or sandals?” so that they feel INCLUDED and EMPOWERED to scream at the top of their lungs that they want to wear their Mickey Mouse bedroom slippers
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
The moment I learned I was going to have to hide my grapes from this kitty…
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…