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If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.