You Might Also Like
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.