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What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
Me trying to reach for my goals
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”