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He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
me after eating Cheetos
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
$4 #usedbooks
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit