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Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
Worst perfume name ever.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.